Fear for a stranger

Today I watched a man fall.
I wasn't sure he was going to be alright.
I keep seeing his body, chainsaw, ladder and branch all crashing to the ground together.
I ran.
I didn't feel any pain in my leg.
I was so scared.
His face was so pale.
He didn't want me to call an ambulance.
He wasn't getting up.
I still think I should have.
Seriously what was he thinking?
A flimsy ladder on the branch he was cutting.
He got up.
He looked bad.
I gave him some ice.
I wanted to do more.
They wouldn't let me.
The fence was dented.
I saw him again tonight.
I saw his cut leg.
It was deep.
It looked bad.
I was relieved to see him walking.
He was pretty banged up.
He was sore.
Very sore.
I wanted to yell at him.
I wanted to hug him.
I don't even know him.
I had so much fear for him.
Seriously what was he thinking?
Next time I hope he thinks twice.
He has to come back.
Maybe I'll hug him, then yell at him.
Put on my "mommy shoes."
Tell him a thing or two.
Then hug him again.
Nightmares for me tonight.
Fear for a stranger.

Today came

I've been looking forward to today for 6 weeks.
Yet I've also been dreading today for 6 weeks.
I wanted today to come fast.
And slow.
I wanted today to start.
And to end.
Today I had an appointment.
I was excited for it.
And scared.
I giggle when I'm nervous.
I giggled alot this morning.
I also cried.
Silent scared tears.
It was strange to hear.
Yet not feel.
I lost a part of me.
And I gained freedom.

It looked alienish.
That was in me.
So thankful to have it gone.

1 week later I got the results it was a benign cyst. Now I have a 2" scar on my left thigh as a reminder of what I went through.

I'm ready

When I started this new blog I had such BIG, exciting plans to update more often then I did on our 1st blog. I wanted to update about other things besides the fun, happy things we did as a family too. I wanted to take more pictures, and take them for others.

Then the weather turned colder with more gray days, 

and I've slowed down

ALOT

I've tried hard to get past this slow down. I've tried to put on a happy face and pretend I feel fine, pretend that I feel happy, pretend I'm excited about things, pretend that I feel energized and normal, pretend every things alright and nothings changed. 

But I can't anymore.

I've hid what I've been going through for years and for so many reasons.

 I didn't want anyone to know I was sad. 

I didn't want anyone to know that I was hiding in my house avoiding others.

 I didn't want anyone to know that even in a crowded mall with my daughter I felt alone and lonely and would leave only to cry on the way home. 

I didn't want anyone to know that I couldn't find the motivation to cook, 

or clean, 

or get ready for bed 

or get up in the morning

or help my kids with their homework 

or even play with my kids.  

I didn't want anyone to know of the tears I've cried behind closed doors.

I didn't want anyone to know that I wasn't perfect.

I didn't want anyone to see me as weak.

But I can't do it anymore.

 I'm done pretending. 

I'm done ignoring my struggles. 

I'm done hiding. 

I'm done being sad.

I'm done being lonely.

I'm done feeling bad about myself.

I'm done with feeling like my kids don't measure up to other peoples kids.

I'm done shopping just to feel good about a great deal.

I'm done feeling like my house is never as clean or as perfect as other peoples.

I'm done feeling like I'm not Martha Stewart and I never will be.

I'm done smiling to cover up how I'm really feeling.

I'm done feeling bad about not having the greatest blog posts.

I'm done letting others drag me down.

I'm done feeling like my Facebook updates stink and nobody even sees them.

I'm done feeling like I never measure up to anyone around me.

I'm done with all these negative feelings.

I'm done

and

I'm ready.

I'm ready to let people in. 

I'm ready to have energy.

I'm ready to feel motivated.

I'm ready to really enjoy my kids.

I'm ready to let people know of my struggles.

I'm ready to let my guard down, even though it scares me. 

I'm ready to care more about every and anything.

I'm ready to fight for myself.

I'm ready for a change.

I ready to really, truly, and completely enjoy my life.

I'm ready to not let S.A.D take over me every winter.

I'm ready to fight it into a corner 

and keep it there.

I'm ready to make a change.

-----------------------------------------------

If you're still reading this, it means that I finally did it. 

I didn't delete it again. I didn't hide again. 

I opened up. I took the 1st step. 

I didn't share this for sympathy  I did this for me and my family. 

I did it to help me 

and so many others that suffer silently 

because just like me they're scared to let anyone know. 

Scared to let anyone know of their struggles and pain and sadness.

I did it because I finally got tired of life passing me by and not caring.

I did it because:

Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured!

-Kari